I've come to realize in my short time as a parent, that so much we do as parents is driven by fear. Not by love or responsibility- although, sure those come into play- but fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known all to well. And I am not even talking about the fears that come into play when one thinks about their child's future- what will she become, what will the world be like then, etc. It's the day to day fears that keep those fingernails short and the eyes bleary, and make the hairs gray.
I guess the trick is not to be consumed by it.
We still go in an check on K. multiple time after she's gone to bed to make sure she's breathing. Thanks to the ever-present availability of information these days, new parents are bombarded with stories of SIDS and other awful things that can happen in the night, and steps you can take to prevent it, although taking these steps won't assure your child's safety. So we remove the bumper, we put her down on her back (which is moot now, she just rolls over onto her belly), we do all things we're "supposed" to- and still we go in and check. Still breathing? Yes. This I have found may never end. My brother-in-law informed me he still does the check with his boys- and they're 4 and 7 years old.
Why isn't my child eating? Is she getting enough? How much does she weigh? Is it appropriate for her length? Her length appropriate for her weight? Is her head getting misshapen? What are those bumps on her face, her back, her bottom? Why doesn't she have any teeth yet?
And then there's sickness. Fear is now accompanied by helplessness. She feels warm. Her temperature's 102.6, she won't be consoled- give her some Tylenol. But what's really wrong? As you are holding her in your arms, you are literally trying to will her fever from getting worse- she's already so upset, and you are wishing she could just tell you what exactly was wrong so you could at least try and make it better. So daylight comes and we go to the doctor to find out she has had an ear infection. A brief moment of, Oh, that's what it is- is followed by:
Why didn't we go to the doctor sooner? What if what if what if?? Antiobiotics prescribed. And taken. What if she has an allergic reaction? How will we know? What do we do? Don't look on the internet! It will only manifest symptoms!
Then ten days later, another fever, another long night. Back to the doctor. Ear infection still there, despite the round of medicine.
What if there is something really wrong with her ears? Once again, did we wait too long? Did we miss a sign?
Stronger antibiotics. Now we wait for the follow up. K. is still tugging at her ears, but since there is no fever or night waking, doctor's not concerned. Yes, we've called. It's a good thing we don't have his home number.
Should we give her Ibuprofen? I don't want to OD our child! Is that sound she's making normal? She hasn't pooped in three days? That's a weird color! Does her pee smell funny to you? Is she still sleeping? Hope she's okay... And on, and on, and on...
These fears, I know, are not uncommon to any parent, not just new ones. And despite the multitudes and frequency of these thoughts, I think we do a pretty good job of not letting them overtake us. Truthfully, there's not really time to dwell on singular fears, because something always needs to be done, or the little one will suddenly smile and make you forget there was any cause for alarm. Fears will always be there- whether it's fear of being a bad parent, or fear of something being wrong- and I guess it's all the love and responsibility that makes being a parent to so rewarding and frightening all at the same time.
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