A year ago on this day, on this blog, I questioned the validity and the very tradition of Groundhog Day. After re-posting today (on a popular social-networking site which is the subject of an Oscar-nominated movie which will remain nameless), my friend Kerry commented, asking a very pertinent and though-provoking question: Why not entrust another animal to foretell the weather? Her answer to her own question was perhaps a cat- pointing to their intuition. Valid point. It got me thinking, what other animals could apply- and how would their version of February 2nd play out? And, what to do with the groundhog now that he's got more free time?
CATS: It might go something like this. As Kerry noted, cats do have a very intuitive quality to them. In which case, I say the cat makes every attempt not to let anybody pull them from the carrier (assuming they allowed themselves to be put in the carrier to begin with), knowing full-well the madness that awaits. Arms bloodied, and nerves rattled, the handlers tell the awaiting crowd they're not really sure about the weather, but they look to have 6 weeks of recovery ahead from their injuries.
DOGS: Dogs are too smart for this. Plus, if they're outside all they are going to want to do is play or go to the bathroom. So the dog gets excited- runs around in a wide circle a few times to burn off some of that pent up energy from being cooped up, tuckers out and takes a very long-awaited pee. Again, the dog runs off, in hot pursuit of his shadow. At which point everyone forgets why they've come- but walk away with the valuable lesson re-learned to not eat the yellow snow.
PARROT: After emerging from its cage, the handlers may say something like, "Tell us what the season brings..." To which the parrot will respond: "Tell us what the season brings...bwaaaah!" "Six weeks more winter?" "Six weeks more winter?....bwaaah!" "Or will spring come early?" "Or will spring come early?..bwaaah!" I think you get the point.
GOLDFISH: Dreadfully, someone has left the goldfish bowl out for too long out in the elements and it has frozen solid. It is announced that six more weeks of winter will be observed in remembrance of our frozen-gilled friend. Also- special on goldfish at the fish market!!
BURMESE PYTHON: I guess we'll have to go with him today, because we can't find the groundhog, or the cat, dog, parrot, or goldfish. Seriously- where the hell are they?
We could go on all day, feel free to add your own.
So, what to do with the groundhog? All this history of predicting on his resume, where does he go? Perhaps he could go to Vegas and set odds for sporting events. Or how about Wall Street? It would be nice to know which way the stock market's gonna go- in six week increments of course. Or if that fails he could be the crazy groundhog who can guess your weight at the carnival. Maybe he retires somewhere without seasons, and forgets it all. Don't ask him if he saw the weather report- he's sensitive.
It's a lot of pressure to put on a groundhog, to have him make a meaningless prediction like this every year. But until the revolution, it looks as though the groundhogs will continue to hold the monopoly on this one. And to Punxutawney Phil, who today told us spring would be coming early, I say "What Phil?? I couldn't hear you with the sound of all the ice crushing under my feet!!"
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